I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Pandas 🐼🖤
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.