[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
How software testing works
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.