I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
no refunds
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Nice try, NASA
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today