ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.