[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?