A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…