My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I saw this ending much differently.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?