Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.