Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
shit just got real
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman