If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.