My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
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Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house