Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.