13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
You Might Also Like
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*