That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Yup.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.