Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head