“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Breaking news:
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.