Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.