I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
The three genders
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
thinking about a very short hotdog
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”