If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look