What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
me and my fake scenarios
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world