My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Chemical wingman
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday