Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine