me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW