The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Twitter fine art
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.