Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.