is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
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*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.