Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
You Might Also Like
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Harsh but fair
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?