A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Sharon I have some bad news