Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
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I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.