“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
You Might Also Like
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Mmmm canned fish.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.