All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
#StillHurts
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.