“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Omg 🤣
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”