people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“i miss shittin on people”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”