Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Monday Lisa
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Happy Star Wars day!