Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Pickled cat.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned