Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.