If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
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Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.