Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The Book. The Movie.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster