If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Some people were born into their job.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.