Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
23. the denim jacket
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.