If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
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My beach vacation Google searches
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*