me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Well well well…
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Found the job I’m suited for
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her