Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
😎 🍻
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead