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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I like to yell 鈥淪tranger danger!鈥漺henever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
In my next life, I鈥檓 coming back as a baby
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You鈥檙e free now