“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
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It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
The real reason evolution started..😂
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body