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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.