velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My god she’s good.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.