I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho