So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
the council will decide your fate
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.