If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I feel attacked.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Worst bar ever.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?